Well, Actually: Psychologist Dr. Aileen Alegado Answers Reader Questions

Q.

I can't switch my mind off at night. It's like my brain starts working overtime the moment I lie down. Any ways to quiet racing thoughts?

— Anna S

A.

Your brain is busy because it hasn't had time to process during the day. An hour before bed, write down everything on your mind — worries, tasks, random thoughts. This signals to your brain that these items are noted, allowing it to stop holding onto them. Then wind down with something calming (a warm shower, reading, stretching). If thoughts still intrude, try a longer wind-down period or do activities that occupy your mind without triggering stress, e.g. listening to a sleep story or white noise, ironing, mentally listing boring, random things (vegetables, countries, car brands etc).

Q.

I get anxious meeting new people because I assume they won't like me. Even when someone's friendly, I overanalyse every silence or facial expression. How do I stop reading rejection into everything?

— Patrick E

A.

The stories we tell ourselves can sometimes become a self-fulfilling prophecy if we are not careful. Most of us operate on a confirmation bias, so we look for things that validate our fear — every pause becomes "I said something wrong." Here's the reality: most people are too busy worrying about their own awkwardness to judge yours. Try looking for just one piece of evidence that someone is neutral or friendly (they asked you a question, laughed, kept talking). Practice generous interpretation — that silence could mean they're thinking, distracted, or nervous themselves. Give others the benefit of the doubt you'd want them to give you.

Q.

My best friend and I used to be inseparable, but since she started a new relationship, she's barely around. I'm happy for her, but I also feel replaced and I hate that I feel this way. How do I express that without sounding jealous or needy?

— Anonymous

A.

You're grieving a changed relationship and that's totally ok. New relationships create temporary friendship eclipses — her brain is consumed by early-phase intoxication that typically lasts 6–12 months. Say it simply: "I'm happy you're in love, and I also miss our time together. Can we find a rhythm that works for both of us?" You're not asking her to choose, just requesting renegotiation. Meanwhile, resist withdrawing or guilt-tripping — both damage what you're trying to preserve. Use this time to invest in other friendships, so you're not placing all emotional needs on one person.

Q.

I've always tied my self-worth to being productive. On days I rest, I feel guilty and useless. How do I start valuing myself for more than what I accomplish?

— Pam W

A.

Feelings are not facts. The guilt you feel is real, but it isn't always the truth — it's conditioning. You've learned that worth equals productivity, but you can't actually perform well long-term without rest. Start reframing rest as restoration — things that fill up your cup, i.e. connection, being in nature, and doing creative things. Try this: rest one day without justifying it and observe what happens. Do people abandon you, or do you actually show up better when you're not running on empty? The deeper work is separating "I do valuable things" from "I am valuable." You're worthy because you exist, not because you produce.

Q.

I feel constantly burnt out — no matter what I do, or how I try to rest. Any tips to break the mental cycle so I can see the light at the end of the tunnel?

— Rebecca S

A.

Burnout doesn't respond to weekend breaks or bubble baths — it's telling you the pace is unsustainable. First, identify what genuinely restores you in your body (real conversation, time outside, movement, meaningful experiences), then radically reduce inputs like news, notifications, and unnecessary commitments. Sometimes burnout signals something self-care can't fix, such as lack of boundaries, unsustainable work conditions, or poor time management. If nothing shifts after 4–6 weeks of genuine changes, consider professional support. Burnout isn't a personal failure; it's a rational response to impossible or unsustainable conditions.

Q.

I get overwhelmed by global news and feel hopeless about the state of the world at the moment. How can I stay informed without becoming consumed by it?

— Peter N

A.

Your brain can't distinguish between immediate threats and distant catastrophes, so constant news exposure floods you with stress without any outlet for action, creating learned helplessness. Limit your intake to one intentional check-in daily (not first or last thing in the day) and ask: "Does knowing this help me take action, or just increase my distress?" Channel the energy where you have real influence — local community, causes you care about, actual conversations with real people. Staying perpetually distressed doesn't help the world; it depletes your capacity to show up meaningfully.